Dear Fair and Lovely,
Could we tone down the promised fairness a notch please? Unless they decide to re-make Twilight in India, it might be hard to find a use for all that fairness. Thank you! But oh, thanks for the new and improved formula that will help me win a singing competition or become a news anchor instead of “just” an Air-hostess…
Dear all other Fairness Cream Peddlars,
When you do make ad’s, could you make them a little more interesting please? I mean, if you are asking me to part with hard earned money to buy some combination of chalk, saffron, gunk, and bleach that will render me fabulously fair, could you just promise me real fairness at least? For the kind of money you’re asking for, I don’t want to have to settle for Deepika Padukone’s complexion (I’m looking at you Neutrogena). Could I at least be lured in with images of this really fair (Chinese? Japanese?) Asian lady please?
I mean, Deepika is nice and all. And her dimples and legs are surely fabulous. But with my features, I really need a lighter shade before my husband will turn around to look at me. I need a complexion like Kareena Kapoor’s. Whiter than milk and lighter than cream. That’s the sort of thing I’m looking for. Or Katrina Kaif maybe? But no Priyanka Chopra, Kajol, and Ash please. No, wait, if these women are already beautiful without being fairer than fairness and whiter than the dewy morning lily, why do I need fairness cream? I’m confused now…
Oh, and makers of underarm lightening deodorants, you mean to say a man’s attention span and love for his woman are proportional to the fairness of her underarms? I’ve been wasting my money buying fairness creams, then! No wonder my husband doesn’t look away from
discovery channel cricket when I walk by…
Dear Kellogs and other Nutritious Breakfast Makers,
I’m the modern woman you’re targeting who has Rs 300 to spend on a box of cereal. But really, I don’t think I want to have a “regular” system just because I want to jump with joy at the opportunity to hand my husband his socks. My husband’s a well brought up man who has been taught the basic life skills required to locate his own socks. And on the occasions that he does misplace them, he knows better than to expect his wife to find his socks for him. So can I have better reasons for eating your cereal?
Also, since I’m already buying fairness creams, anti aging serums, hair colour, perfume, and hair removal cream to attract and retain my husband’s attention even after four years of marriage, could I just eat breakfast for myself please?
Dear Advertisers of Sanitary Products,
Women really don’t want to be reminded in graphic detail of what happens during their periods. And men really don’t need to know what happens during a woman’s periods. And tweens and teens denied basic sex-ed do not need to grow up thinking menstrual fluid is blue. And I really, really don’t need to switch products just to be able to jump over a fence or pick up garbage on the street. I can do that on any day I choose with or without the aid of white pants and your products. Could you just stop advertising please? (ladies, check out this post about menstrual cups while you’re surfing).
Dear Axe and Gillette,
You guys have got to stop implying that it just takes one sniff or a smooth cheek to make a woman lose control over her simmering sexual energy. Really.
Dear Vicco Turmeric nahin Cosmetic,
Thank you for bringing a moment of sanity to my movie going experience. Please don’t ever do away with a Dadaji with strong teeth in your ads.
The Goddess A regular TV viewer