Simbly Bored

Why is it that after you get married you feel compelled to hang out with other married people? Is it because couples just understand each other better? Is it because there’s a nice balance  of men and women around? Is it because it’s easier to form teams when playing carroms? A perfect setup for potlucks, dinners out, and just general conversation?

But it doesn’t usually stop there, does it? Typically in the US,  these little circles just have to evolve into something more. Now there are babies added at the same time, houses bought in the same suburbs, festivals celebrated together, and just a general feeling of friends morphing into family.

There are Diwali potlucks in the US and New Year’s Eve parties. And baby showers and naming ceremonies. The men talk stocks, IRA’s and mortgage rates with other men drinking alcoholic beverages for effect. The kids gather together around the XBox, the women sip fruity wines and discuss India shopping, Coach bags, and car pools. There’s pulao, and sambar, and home made mint chutney to go with store bought samosas. The kids get to line up and eat first. The men folk get to eat next. The women eat after the kids are done. And after the food there’s a round of Bollywood music and dancing, and a last round of drinks before everyone goes home.

At some point it’s all about this little circle of friends. The trips to India become less and less frequent. Parents visit less often as they grow older. And after a point, all conversation revolves around how difficult it would be to move back to India and how difficult life is in the US and how people in India just don’t get how hard they (the NRI’s) work. No one in the US has a maid to take care of their house work for them. They do it all themselves. Indians have their parents to take care of their kids. But it’s kids brought up in the US who have the perfect mix of Indian and American values. They’re more in tune with their culture than the entitled brats in India. Who celebrates festivals the way they’re meant to be in India anyway? Who takes care of their parents anymore? Who can live there with inflation being the way it is and culture on a decline, and the corruption, and the lack of infrastructure? No, it’s no good to move back. There’s no way the kids can adjust to live in the motherland. And it’s too late to adjust to a new way of life.

And then, as you grow older, you forget a little more about the place you’re from. And you start to pick up a hobby or two. Gardening, movies, poetry, Indian classical music, the possibilities are endless. You watch your kids grow up and marry “locals”. You watch a new generation of immigrants come in and as an active TANA member you go out of your way to make them feel welcome. You make donations to build large temples in your suburb. And life goes on. The couples you once went out to dinner with every weekend are now over for simple home cooked meals on Saturday night. You sit together and talk about the way things were and know for certain that you can’t really retire back in India as you wished you could. That little beach house in Vizag will give way to an apartment complex and you can keep one of the apartments to go back and visit every few years. But if your children are and future grandchildren are going to be American, is there a point in relocating to a country you don’t even know anymore?

I know, what’s the point of all this rambling? you ask. Well, the point is, things are different now that we’re back in India. There’s a clear distinction between friends and family here. Friends are who you hang out with and try new restaurants with. They’re for talking about how much you pay the maid, what car you should buy, and mimic family members pressurizing you to have kids. Friends are for having fun with. They’re for going to movies with and splitting appetizers with at dinner. But family is for celebrating festivals with. Parents are for visiting you once in a couple of months and for packing their bags and flying to be with you if you feel overwhelmed or miss them. Parents are not for putting under house arrest for six months a year.

Unlike the India replication programs in the US, we feel no pressure to be traditional. We feel no brown-white guilt for being the privileged few who live in a First World country. We feel no need to make friends with every Indian couple our age. And the women really don’t need to sit around and talk about how much we shopped on our last trip “back”. We’d rather talk about how sexist and weird people act around women drivers.

I like having “couples friends” in India. We had great friends back in the US too, and I’m not complaining. But friendships can be a lot lighter back home. There’s less shared all around and less support to offer. And that makes all the difference.