Now that we’re ready to make the move, it’s time to focus our attention on the all important question that will consume us all our lives and influence every single decision we ever make. “But beta, if you do that, what will people think/say?”
What will people think to know that you wasted your OPT and two years only to give up on a PhD that was useless to start with? What will people say when they discover that you passed up the opportunity to work in a 100k job only to teach at an IIT for a pittance? What will people say when they find out that you think it’s ok for people who have their “own” children to adopt a child? What will people think when they see you wearing that skirt? What will people say when they see you on your own private balcony wearing shorts? What will the aunties say when they see you are not covered from head to toe with symbols of married-ness? (don’t even get me started on that topic)
It’s bad enough that I don’t really know what I think. I know we’re making a brave leap. I have a vague idea of what life will be like after the leap. But there’s a part of me that’s following through with this decision based on hope rather than belief. Now I’m supposed to wonder about what everyone else is going to think or say?
But how is that different from living here? A land where every single thing you do or say is judged not by one pair of eyes but two. There’s the desi judgement of other desis just as it happens back home. But there’s also how the little things you do that add just a few more details to someone’s stereotype of brownness. It’s not so obvious that you can point it out. But every once in a while there’s a slip of, “You speak such good English for an Indian” to make you realize that you’re not really paranoid. But there’s a third kind of judgement too. One that’s bad manners to acknowledge but I’ll go ahead and talk about it anyway. There’s the desi judgement of how acculturated you are. The oh-he-only-has-H1B-and-strong-south-Indian-accent-I-have-Green-Card-and-nice-accent kind of judgement. The worst of them all…
I wonder if you can ever really run away from what people think or say. Those who know me (including those who have been following this blog for a while) know that my biggest personal demon is going ahead and doing what I think is right for me irrespective of what other people think is right for me. I’ve failed miserably all my life but maybe this move is the one chance to “fight ‘em Buffy”.
Only time will tell. But I’m sure this is just the start of a new series… Speaking of which, I think I’m ready to re-categorize all 600+ posts on this blog in a more coherent way.
