Simbly Bored

So, today, I was thinking back about all the guys in my life. From crushes to bad dates to good dates to break-ups to rebounds to what-was-I-thinking to what-was-he-thinking to the guy I am with now.

The first crush I had honestly embarrasses me now. And I shout loudly and refuse to listen when old friends bring up the topic

My first love was a roller coaster. Perennial highs and self-inflicted lows. The only memory that stands out clearly is writing 50 pages of a metrology lab record for an injured guy with my own exams less than a week away. Shows, the lengths to which I go to make the ones I love happy… I shake my head in disbelief now…

My first marriage proposal was received after a single coffee date. What to me was disastrous was, apparently, what he wanted for the rest of his life… For some reason, it made me realize that it’s not too hard for a tall-fair-slim-convent educated-engineer girl to get marriage proposals. Cynical and uncharitable? Perhaps. But very true.

My first meet-the-match was a disaster. The only two things I remember of this are wanting to dump coffee on the guys head and run as far away as possible the first time I met him and thinking “Thank God we’re vegetarian” when he said “Wow! there’s so much choice”, while carefully flipping the menu at dinner three times on our second meeting.

It’s so evident now why none of these could ever work. Quite evident that these guys were all disasters. Messed up at a certain level though outwardly polished. And it’s quite evident that they were not really disasters either. That there was something salvageable in each of them that made the relationship seem worth it then though it doesn’t seem so now.

What attracts people to each other? It’s a question I’ve been trying to find an answer to for a long time. I know when I meet someone if something will work or not. Not just romantically. There are people you know will be around forever no matter what. People you know are good friends now but will not be for too long. There are people you know you can never get along with no matter how hard you try to make it work. And there are people who make you forget all that nonsense and live in the moment. But what is it that truly attracts one person to the other? What makes us want to give some relationships a try even though we see a stone wall not so far ahead? What makes us trust? What makes us give into moments of madness? What makes us steal moments we seal away forever? Are there answers for these questions, really?

At the end of oh-so-many encounters with people and experiences mostly bad, would a person still believe in love and relationships? Does each person fight the baggage the other carries from past relationships? At some level, I would say yes.

When I see the wonderful guy I married, I am sometimes relieved that I don’t have to face that madness ever again. No creeps, no over-enthusiastic Galahad’s, no egoistical maniacs, none of the characters that single women seem to encounter on a daily basis. But at some level, I feel glad I met them. Nothing else could have helped me appreciate the right guy more…

So… I’ve been living in an apartment full of women (6 in all) and a sub-let tenant with guinea pigs for a while now and I have come to realize that I have become a complete snob. I have come to a point where I need a lot of space and privacy. And I need some place to be alone and think by myself. And I have lost all patience with the girly “oh-my-god” kind of yelling.

I think I would have been amused up until a couple of years ago if I were put into a situation like this. But today, I am just plain tired. I don’t want to live with so many people. I don’t want to think about whether Basmati rice is more fattening. I don’t want to run for a bathroom slot. And I don’t want to share my room with anyone (with husband, it’s not called sharing). And I certainly don’t want to hear the expression ek-sau-bees-rupiye-ki-dahi (120 rs = roughly 3.5 dollars)

I’ve moved into a my own apartment now, set up a beautiful looking place (thank God for the savings from living at home the last three years) and I generally have a nice place of my own where everything is ordered the way I like, where the kitchen is well stocked and things are the way they’re supposed to be. There is no clutter around the house, the bathroom is clean and there are usually very few dirty dishes in the sink. The first night sleeping alone in a large flat was depressing, without a question. But now, I find that I am used to it. In fact, I enjoy having a place of my own.

Maybe I’m old enough to have a place of my own. I know it doesn’t really go with the “grad student” way of life. To have no room mates and to generally live an extravagent life. It’s a question I’ve been struggling with for the last few weeks. On one side, I’m 25 years old, married, need my space and have done the whole roommate thing. But on the other side, I’m now a student again. Am I being a snob? Am I not adjusting to my new life the way it is? It’s something that disturbs me sometimes. And I’m still trying to come to terms with it…

Me: I can’t really afford that right now…

WW: Thats ok

Me: Yes we’re enjoying this time. These days won’t ever come back

Me: so its like a balancing act we do

WW: cool to

Me: yeah… its fun
these days wont ever come back

WW: hmm

Me: in the future we will once again have the money to be indiscriminate consumerists

WW: hmm